Dear Journal.

I'm single now. It's been 3 and some months since we finally broke it off after months of mindless back and forth. 4 years and 1 month into falling madly in love for the first time, living my life as if this one person was at the center of it, giving up my opportunities for his all cone into one very simple truth: it's over and we're not getting married.

And that's how I'm meant to go on from here.

Over the years, our friends have...sort of become one big messy circle and now that he's gone and out of the city, I feel completely lost being in this circle. And I'm pretty sure it's obvious how uncomfortable I feel. That, coupled with this awful depression is definitely not working in favor of my self-esteem. Although my friends have told me that I should have no reason to feel uncomfortable... I simply don't think they get it. We used to talk about him all the time when I got together with them...and now he's like the-one-who-must-not-be-mentioned, although he talks to them on the phone. It's a strange feeling that stirs up in my chest when I'm around this group of people - it's a deep sadness, actually, but I feel it in my stomach rather than anywhere else. Man, when you grow up, you start having emotions in your organs.

So here I am. 26, single after 4 years, and completely puzzled.

I guess if I hadn't accepted the fact or wasn't starting to get over him I would have something to focus on...something to try to get distracted from...which I did for the last few months. So the other day, after being snowed in and forced to do some productive work, I found a way to procrastinate by signing up on Match.com. It was incredibly impulsive, and I saw an ad on TV that sort of triggered it. In 4 days, I've got quite a few emails, "winks", etc. 38 emails, 67 winks and 13 "favorites" to be exact. I feel slightly overwhelmed - 1. because I have no clue what type of guy I should go out with...I've only known 1 type that I have fallen in love with. 2. because I haven't yet been able look at a profile and think "I want to get to know this person." even slightly. Is having zero curiosity pretty much tell me I'm asexual right now? Well, I'm sure I had some curiosity that made me sign up...but I'm starting to think it was more a check on myself to see if I'm still considered attractive. But you see I've learnt one thing: if I don't think I'm pretty to begin with, no matter what anyone says to me, I'll always end up feeling unattractive. I just need to go back and find that confidence again, it's hidden here somewhere, perhaps under the piles of things I need to attend to that I've just been putting aside for the last few months.

A few things, then, that I must start with: first - make new friends. The ones I have are great people, but I need, at least for now, company that won't put me in a funk. The other - get out of my head. I can do that...by writing about what's in it, and by following my own advice. Lastly, start living my life again and get to the things that have been craving my attention...who knows, perhaps I'll find that confidence I've seemed to lost.