Friday, July 08, 2011

perhaps this is the 8th time

Perhaps the 9th that I’ve asked you to stay away. But you won’t listen. It seems to me that you haven’t changed after all. You still seem to want it all your way, regardless of how I feel and what I want. You still seem to want the last word. And I haven’t changed that much either, about the 4th or 5th time you try and prod and poke, I give in. Well, that’s just not fair to either of us, is it? Where’s the respect you promised? It simply isn’t there.

I’ll tell you a little secret that will disappoint you. Up until a few weeks ago, until the time before last when I asked you to stay away, I was willing to reconsider if you had just left me alone for a little while and respected what I asked of you. I don’t ask you for much, and the times I’ve asked you’ve often disappointed…including these times I’ve simply asked you to stay away. How many times must I ask politely that you don’t contact me, and why do you feel the need to write back to these requests, disregarding my simple plain request? You’re smarter than that. How come you choose to ignore your intellect when it comes to these emotions. P.S. I don’t really want you to respond… I just want you to know that I did really give you an honest chance and you blew it again.

T, change is not something that you can put off until tomorrow or until  someone’s looking or scrutinizing, that’s not when it always counts. It happens now – regardless of whether I’ve said yes, whether you think I'm looking. I WAS looking for reasons to be with you ever since you’d asked, but I haven’t found any. So please, T, stop asking ‘why not’. I’ve exhausted myself walking down that route and found nothing but big lies and disappointment. And they continue.

Let it go. NO final goodbyes. Let it go. If I hear from you one more time I’m going to try my best to hate you.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Dear Journal.

I'm single now. It's been 3 and some months since we finally broke it off after months of mindless back and forth. 4 years and 1 month into falling madly in love for the first time, living my life as if this one person was at the center of it, giving up my opportunities for his all cone into one very simple truth: it's over and we're not getting married.

And that's how I'm meant to go on from here.

Over the years, our friends have...sort of become one big messy circle and now that he's gone and out of the city, I feel completely lost being in this circle. And I'm pretty sure it's obvious how uncomfortable I feel. That, coupled with this awful depression is definitely not working in favor of my self-esteem. Although my friends have told me that I should have no reason to feel uncomfortable... I simply don't think they get it. We used to talk about him all the time when I got together with them...and now he's like the-one-who-must-not-be-mentioned, although he talks to them on the phone. It's a strange feeling that stirs up in my chest when I'm around this group of people - it's a deep sadness, actually, but I feel it in my stomach rather than anywhere else. Man, when you grow up, you start having emotions in your organs.

So here I am. 26, single after 4 years, and completely puzzled.

I guess if I hadn't accepted the fact or wasn't starting to get over him I would have something to focus on...something to try to get distracted from...which I did for the last few months. So the other day, after being snowed in and forced to do some productive work, I found a way to procrastinate by signing up on It was incredibly impulsive, and I saw an ad on TV that sort of triggered it. In 4 days, I've got quite a few emails, "winks", etc. 38 emails, 67 winks and 13 "favorites" to be exact. I feel slightly overwhelmed - 1. because I have no clue what type of guy I should go out with...I've only known 1 type that I have fallen in love with. 2. because I haven't yet been able look at a profile and think "I want to get to know this person." even slightly. Is having zero curiosity pretty much tell me I'm asexual right now? Well, I'm sure I had some curiosity that made me sign up...but I'm starting to think it was more a check on myself to see if I'm still considered attractive. But you see I've learnt one thing: if I don't think I'm pretty to begin with, no matter what anyone says to me, I'll always end up feeling unattractive. I just need to go back and find that confidence again, it's hidden here somewhere, perhaps under the piles of things I need to attend to that I've just been putting aside for the last few months.

A few things, then, that I must start with: first - make new friends. The ones I have are great people, but I need, at least for now, company that won't put me in a funk. The other - get out of my head. I can do writing about what's in it, and by following my own advice. Lastly, start living my life again and get to the things that have been craving my attention...who knows, perhaps I'll find that confidence I've seemed to lost.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

"Do what you love."

I've been meditating over this idea that is so often thrown around but seldom prevalently applied or even intended among people I know. Recently, I've come across talks/articles by many successful, very popular, entrepreneurs who discuss doing what they love and how it is the magical key to finding success. I think it is a given that while narrating the story of one's life and trying to construct a meaningful order to how one ends up being oh-so-successful, one might tend to exaggerate how earnestly he stuck to these core principles which he is now advocating. Notwithstanding the exaggeration and the deliberate attachment of rationale to all of one's life-events leading to the glorious present, "Do what you love" pops-up as an underlying theme time and time again in many autobiographies. 

Do I do what I love?

Well, I definitely love what I do sometimes. I think I'm good at what I do.

It is now 2:13 AM, perhaps I can start by falling asleep :)

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Well, hello world indeed.

The more I think about the experience of owning a puppy, the more anxious I get. However, the feeling of having a little furry companion is quite exciting. The reasons that have pushed me to considering this seriously are simple: companionship while working from home, a lesson in discipline and responsibility, and the overwhelming adoration I've developed for dogs in the recent years.

I live alone. I now work from home. I love taking walks and going to parks, and, I really like dogs.

On the other, less-admired hand: I'm always out doing something; I'm rarely home after work-time until bedtime on most days of the week (except on Wednesdays when I stay home and catch up on my TV shows). I have hard-wood floors. I have people over often that are not too fond of dogs. And, most importantly, I have been out of town for at least 1 week out of every month on average - I have a boyfriend who moved 800 miles away end of 2008, and we have a very serious long distance relationship.

Is that an oxymoron?

Today I talked to him about how the dog might scratch up my hardwood floors. He mentioned that is a possibility and I shouldn't worry about it - when I sell the house, I might have to get the floors redone anyway. I also spent my evening having dinner with friends who are dead against the idea - just one of their very convincing reasons: the hardwood floors. Here I mentioned it to T after dinner over a brief conversation he sleepily mumbled through, and I hear the same old - don't worry about that. In a way, it's good that he can brush off my little worries, but I wonder what it might be like if he did consider it from my standpoint. I bought this house with the conviction that once he graduated, he would be staying in Atlanta (have I mentioned serious relationship?), which, he whole-heartedly assured me of every time I had the slightest hesitation. Well, I did push him to take that other, better, job. I just don't want this situation to be one of those "should-a, could-a".

Having said that, once I get the puppy, he will become part of my family. I will not let myself wonder about what could have been, should have been - not fair to me, T, or the puppy. So, I need to make a decision soon. I see the puppy on Saturday. I need to make a decision soon so that I don't let myself fall in love. I need to tell myself that I will be able to somehow maintain this long-distance relationship that is so very dependent on T's and my frequent trips to see each other, without being able to go that often, or for that long. I need to be convinced that he will understand. Puppy will not come before T, but puppy's well being will come before luxuries. My goodness, puppy is not euphemism for baby.

For what it's worth, I'm not comfortable leaving the dog with a friend for a week out of every 2 months. There's no point getting a pet and thrust that responsibility onto someone else's shoulders. Might as well just baby-sit theirs once in a while.

I wish I had a dog who could take my mind off all of this :)